Friendship Heartbreaks.

Sunday Musings.

A friend of mine broke my heart recently.

And she hurt me. A lot.

For a long time, I held on to her hand. Now, I'm letting go.

The strange thing is that most of the hurt was subtle. There was no dramatic betrayal, no single moment that shattered everything. Instead, it was the gradual realization that the version of her I carried in my heart was not the version of her that existed in reality.

I had created my own picture of who she was to me and held on to that picture tightly.

But she wasn't that person with me.

She was someone else entirely.

In a newsletter last year, I spoke about how many of my close friends seem to relocate, causing a strain on our friendship. This friend didn't relocate. She didn't disappear.

She just never truly made space for me in her heart.

And that hurt.

As I write this, I wonder if I sound dramatic. Maybe even a little whiny.

But then I remember that I've been on the other side of this before. I've held on to people whose hearts I did not choose, simply because their hearts chose me.

I know what it looks like when affection isn't returned with the same intensity.

That's what happened here.

My friend's heart had not chosen me.

She may read this and wonder if I'm talking about her. She probably won't know. Not because I'm hiding it particularly well, but because over time she has buried herself so deeply in my life that I stopped seeing her clearly.

What I've learned is that it is entirely possible to choose people who do not choose you.

And when your heart becomes exhausted from carrying the weight of a friendship alone, it is okay to leave.

Lately, I've been learning not to hold on to people who are not holding on to me.

Do not force any ship. Not a friendship. Not a relationship. Not anything.

Sometimes two people can be wonderful. They can fit together perfectly on paper. They can share values, interests, history, and affection.

And it still will not work.

There is romantic heartbreak.

Then there is friendship heartbreak.

The latter doesn't get talked about enough.

A huge part of me kept asking difficult questions.

Am I meant to have female friends?Am I the problem?

Do I deserve to be loved?

Sometimes life places you in situations that reinforce your oldest insecurities. Just when you begin to heal, something happens that sends you back to wounds you thought had closed.

You begin questioning yourself again.

Second-guessing yourself again.

It's like someone who spent years healing from being bullied. She finally reaches a place of peace, and then one random incident, a person shouting at her, dismissing her, or taking something without permission, suddenly awakens emotions she thought she had conquered.

The first feeling is guilt.

Guilt that the past still has power. Guilt that old wounds still know how to hurt. Guilt that after all the healing, old demons can still find the key to the front door.

Then comes sadness.

And sometimes one person can unintentionally shake foundations that took years to build.

That's partly why I'm writing this.

Because the truth is, I didn't lose my friend. I simply stopped over-giving. I stopped overextending. I stopped carrying a friendship that required only one set of shoulders.

I was talking to the Holy Spirit about it and he drew my attention to something uncomfortable.

I had turned this friend into a blessing that I was lucky to have.

I had become so convinced of her value that I forgot my own.

I admired her so much that I never allowed myself to see that I could also be a blessing.

It's like giving a full loaf of bread in a space where you receive just enough slices to make you come back for more.

And because of that, our friendship became unbalanced.

I always chose her.

She chose me when it was convenient.

That realization hurt.

But it also taught me something important.

Never be so excited about another person that you forget your own value.

Never admire someone so much that you place them above yourself.

The people we love are gifts, but so are we.

I'm learning a lot these days.

Especially about friendship.

I don't have all the answers, and I can't promise I won't find myself in this position again someday.

But this is what I've learned:

You can love people deeply without shrinking yourself.

You can appreciate people without worshipping them or idolizing them.

You can choose people without abandoning yourself.

And when someone does not make room for you in their life, you do not have to hate them.

Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is simply let go.

Not because they are bad persons.

Not because you stopped caring.

But because you finally remembered that you deserve to be chosen too.